He is perfect. Every single feature is proportionate and beautiful. I imagined his eyes would be dark like his father's but they are a radiant blue. He takes everything in as if he has waited a life time to see my face. Every hour in labor seemed an eternity but it all fades away as he is placed in my arms. I can imagine the years ahead. The first steps, toothless grin, muddy hands, his first home run, senior prom; I'm sure he will be brilliant, athletic, handsome and kind. How could he be anything else?
I am so crazy in love with this 8lb 5oz bundle of perfection. He exceeds all of my dreams and expectations.
In this moment I could not imagine that just 17 short years later he would stand before me in our living room, just minutes after arriving home past curfew and spit the venomous words, "Go fuck yourself, Mom!"
What in the hell just happened? This is NOT what I ordered when my husband and I dreamed of growing our family? I had envisioned perfection, damn it! They would listen to me and bask in our life wisdom. They would never talk back or throw tantrums. He was supposed to be kind! And respectful! And loving! Not rude and defiant!
To say I did not handle it well would be an understatement. I was a good mom! I listened to him! I was loving and kind! I didn't cuss at him! I was well within my rights to ask him where the hell he had been and why he was out late! I'm the parent! I'm the boss! I pay the bills!
Fuck! Nobody told me I'd be arguing with a nearly grown child who behaved like an out of control preschooler! Is this how it's going to be...forever? No wonder they start out beautiful and helpless, melting our hearts in to oblivion. If he had started out as this tyrant, well, there certainly wouldn't have been a younger sibling. None of my friends had kids like this! I know! I'm on Facebook! I see their posts! Sports pictures, family vacations, honor society inductees, prom queens but not raging hormones and screaming fits. At the soccer games and ballet classes it was the same. None of their kids wrecked the car or wouldn't shower. What the fuck happened to my kids? I parent them! I teach them right from wrong! They were raised in church for heaven's sake!
There were no chapters about this in the What to Expect books!
I wasn't the only one. I just didn't know it. Facebook is a highlight reel and frankly, it's bullshit. Yes, our kids are great. They play sports, are in marching band, make the honor roll and damn it, our vacations are awesome! But it's also hard. We're just scared. Scared to admit we may not be doing it right. Scared everyone else will find out we're just winging it and we have no fucking clue what we're doing. I'm going to tell you it's ok. I know it sucks. I know you sometimes wonder how in the hell they grew up under your guidance. I know you were going to do better than your parents. And you probably are. We let you down. All of us. By not speaking up, offering a hug, or picking up the phone we let you down. We stopped getting together. We made excuses. We were busy with sports and clubs and our jobs. We volunteered for Boy Scouts and PTA and we just became consumed with the day to dayness of our lives.
Let's have coffee. I'll take a long lunch and hang out. If you need a hug, I got you. I'll listen. I won't judge. I'll share what my kid did this week too. I'll reassure you that we can do this. It will be ok. And when our children have teenagers, we'll do this for them. They'll survive and we will too.
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Amazing blog. And yes you are not alone in struggles. I have all girls and am proud to say very successful, beautiful ones but there are days when I have thought the same. But what I can share is...that through it all I realized I was the one who raised this child, one who is strong, one who is determined, one who knows life is going to be hard. I marvel in the good and take the bad. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteLove this!!! Oldest of 5 here... grown woman now (weird to say because I still feel like a child at 30). My siblings and I are all successful in our own way, and we are all super respectful. My mom and dad constantly get compliments on our behavior and how proud they must be -- but let me tell you what terrors we were as teens growing up. I put my parents through the ringer, did and said a lot of stuff I regret, and went through that horrible phase of thinking I knew everything and my parents were out to ruin my life. It took perspective, some growing up and just plain growing OUT of my asshole phase to start appreciating my parents and all they've done for me. You're an incredible mom :) so awesome that you share the REAL and not just the REEL of highlight :)
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